ix. A Sense of ‘Should’

If there was ever a word to be banished from the English language due to its disservice to mankind, it’s ‘should’.

‘Should’ is a little menace that sits on your shoulder and pipes up every now and then to tell you what you ought to be doing, who you ought to be, and whether or not you are on-track with life. I’m pretty sure half the reason I frequently feel exhausted is down to my sense of “I should…”. Mine likes to tell me that I should have achieved more by now. I should be more interesting and knowledgeable as a person. And I should definitely say yes to hundreds of things, even if I’m running myself ragged, rather than say no and give myself time to rest.

Sound familiar? ‘Should’ is basically a big emotional stick that we beat ourselves over the head with. And beyond the worldly pressures it piles on us, the sense of ‘should’ can also sneak into our thoughts and feelings about relationships; “I should feel chemistry with my partner every day”, “I should feel happy and in love all the time”, or, in my experience, “I should never be doubting my feelings this much”.

Where does all this ‘should’ pressure come from?!

What this sense of ‘should’ is really evoking in us, in all of these scenarios, is the belief that there is one right path to take – or otherwise lots of potential wrong paths. It makes us feel that a decision is either a right decision or a wrong decision, and someone is either a right partner (THE right partner) or a wrong partner; and you should, apparently, have no doubts at all if you’ve chosen correctly.

But the truth is that ‘should’, in this pressurising, black and white, right or wrong context, is utterly draining. When it comes to relationships, it’s also really incredibly unhelpful; there simply isn’t one ‘right’ person for each of us, and questioning your feelings does not make something ‘wrong’. The thinking of ‘should’ shackles us in the spiral of uncertainty and anxiety – the complete opposite of Jesus.

Jesus came to free us, and so I reckon he is pretty keen that we shed those shackles. John 8 verse 36 tells us “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed” and Psalm 119 verse 54 reminds us “I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts.

That’s freedom to be following where God leads us, rather than the ‘should’-versions of our own worldly plans, and free to choose a partner without needing to worry that they are definitely Mr or Mrs Right.

Freedom, not pressure. Peace, not fear. That’s his light yolk – let’s swap our ‘shoulds’ for that.

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